Zero

Instead of just keeping solemnly reading other people’s writings, I‘ve finally gained the motivation to start writing again. My old-fashioned, yet always-working way of putting my chaotic thoughts into relief, it is.

This very second would be my zero. The period when there’s nothing much to be expected. I’ll just let it all out, unstructured, genuinely. I’ve passed some zeros too earlier, anyway. This would not hurt, would it?

And you’re right, I’m that person who does things because of triggers. Typical. I simply want to recognize what I’m really feeling through writing. This time, I’m restarting this habit since I’ve been feeling detached. Not from myself surprisingly, but from my friends. Even my first and closest ones. Even when I’m currently in the phase where I’m feeling good about myself, as an individual.

Don’t you find it odd?

When I feel the most productive, focused, and visionary, there will always be the other side of the coin where I’m detached from.. anyone. And here goes the imposter syndrome. I feel guilty, like a fraud that’s currently on top of her stage only from sacrificing her relationship with her closest. Like my state of being focus to my goals is not a real accomplishment. It’s fake. It’s vague.

I learned that perhaps it really is okay. Maybe it is just me doing me.

But I also learned that probably I should reach out to them more. I wanted to ask them whether I’m a bad or a good friend, or straightly say sorry to them for not being a good enough friend, as my self-loathing self would do. But that would be too not optimistic.

How about simply asking how they are doing and hoping that they’re doing well, probably?

Would they take that?